Dear Diary: Kissing My Darkness Goodbye

Dear Diary,

The candle flickers dim tonight, shadows softening like old scars fading at last. Just us, Diary—no chains, no echoes. A slow breath, and the words come, heavy with goodbye but light with release.

It's time, Diary. Pierrot—that broken dark clown with huge tarkatan fangs and a heart full of thorns—he's done. But let me speak about him first.

He carried one of the worst episodes of my life. The kind of episode that hollows you out and leaves you raging in the dark. The trauma hit first, that sexual harassment from my ex-boss, his demands twisting my art into his filth without a whisper of consent, leaving me confused, used, and hollowed like a shell.

Pierrot was resentful and full of hatred. But above all, he was full of rage. Abusers who never let me rest and instead they wasted resources —devices, IP’s, accounts, email addresses, ISP providers and Lord knows what many other tools— just to keep an eye on him. It was years of cyberstalking hell tracking every move, every post, turning my world into a cage I felt I couldn't escape. Pierrot drew the rage, night after night, but it ate him inside out alive.

And that woman... oh, Diary, that betrayal was the final brick. She knew from the start, watched the abuse unfold and said nothing. She called me brother, she hugged me… as she sunk the knife in my back countless times. She was feeding my hatred like it was her twisted gift. Pierrot finally saw her for what she was—a viper in friend’s clothing—and that's when he died, because Pierrot loved her for real… and he got paid with betrayal, with a friendship that never existed in the first place. That’s why Pierrot got shattered in the silence, his trust cracked beyond repair...

But now it’s different.

I can finally say goodbye to those endless nights of fury, eyes glued to visitor trackers, heart pounding as I plotted defences against their attacks, paranoia my constant shadow and companion. No more waiting for the next hit, the next invasion—I'm free from that vigil, that war I fought alone. Because yeah… the woman who betrayed me does not count as “company”.

Goodbye to the endless nights at the canvas, pen dripping gore and death because it was the only way to bleed out the pain. I couldn't touch the erotic pen then, Diary—every curve felt like his hands, every fantasy stained with abuse, leaving me dirty, ashamed, unable to sigh without screaming inside.

I owe nothing to the rest of the world, nor the people I "killed" in my canvas back in the day. In any case, I just owe an apology to one person —myself, for the countless times I hurt myself.

I wrote a song, this is for everyone who abused me and chased me as if I were an animal they hunted down for fun. I'm so done with you all. Consider this my last gift before I finally send you to the thrash bin, right where you all belong.

Adapted from the song "Bye Bye, Baby" by Madonna.

Bye Bye, Suckas

This is not a love song

Bye bye, suckas!

I kept on waiting, anticipating

Always expecting an attack

You say you're superior

That you got over me

But you're always stalking me

Bye bye suckas bye bye

It's your turn to cry

It's finally time to say goodbye

So say goodbye!

Bye bye suckas bye bye

It's your turn to cry

It's finally time to say goodbye

So say goodbye!

You had all your chances to leave me alone

But you're still onto me, why?

You claim you're so correct

But you're all just a bunch of hypocrites

Bye bye suckas bye bye

It's your turn to cry

It's finally time to say goodbye

So say goodbye!

Bye bye suckas bye bye

It's your turn to cry

It's finally time to say goodbye

So say goodbye!

You're so despicable

What makes you feel so happy?

What makes you feel complete?

Does it make you feel good to stalk me?

I think it does!

That's why it's time to say bye bye!

Bye bye suckas bye bye

It's your turn to cry

It's finally time to say goodbye

So say goodbye!

Bye bye suckas bye bye

It's your turn to cry

It's finally time to say goodbye

So say goodbye!

I don't wanna keep the bright flame

of your sick egos going

So I'll just stop talking about you all

I'm just sick of you

¡Adios!

Oh, this is not a love song

I'd like to forget you!

What cheers you up?

What motivates you?

What makes you feel good?

Does it make you feel good to stalk me?

I think it does!

That's why it's time to say bye bye!

Bye bye!!

First time, and the last time

You can forget it about it, suckas

Forget the gore, forget the rage

Forget your tears, forget your stalking

You can forget about it, suckas

Bye bye, suckas, bye bye

You can forget about it, suckas

'cuz it's the first time and the last time

You'll ever see me angry

Go f**k yourselves!

Nows a goodbye gift from myself to my old version… here’s this adaptation I made from Madonna’s Bad Girl song, that inspired me to create this.

Bad Pierrot

Something's happening

And he can't think straight

He always feels the need to take out his anger outside

Is it him, or his rage that he's afraid of?

He tells himself, I'll show you what I'm made of

Can't bring himself to hurt someone

He does not want to cause any pain

But he loves just the same

And he'll always treasure his love

In his heart, he knows he's broken

And he does not know where to start

What can he do?

Don't wanna feel blue...

Bad Pierrot, furious like a demon blowing fire

Drew too much death and killings today

He's not happy when he acts this way

Bad Pierrot, sore and sad

Complains and laments himself

Draws too much killings everyday

Not happy. Not happy...

Something happened and he can't go back

He breaks inside as he grows darker and emptier inside

What happens now? His rage is increasing

He's wondering how he's going to hurt someone

Can't bring himself to surrender now...

He does not want to cause any pain

But he loves just the same

And he'll always treasure his love

In his heart, he knows he's broken

And he does not know where to start

What can he do?

Don't wanna feel blue...

Bad Pierrot, furious like a demon blowing fire

Drew too much death and killings today

He's not happy when he acts this way

Bad Pierrot, sore and sad

Complains and laments himself

Draws too much killings everyday

Not happy.

Not happy this way...

He does not want to cause any pain

But he loves just the same

And he'll always treasure his love

In his heart, he knows he's broken

And he does not know where to start

What can he do?

Don't wanna feel blue...

Bad Pierrot, furious like a demon blowing fire

Drew too much death and killings today

He's not happy when he acts this way

Bad Pierrot, sore and sad

Complains and laments himself

Draws too much killings everyday

He's not happy when he acts this way

Not happy this way...

Bad Pierrot, furious like a demon blowing fire

Drew too much death and killings today

He's not happy when he acts this way

Bad Pierrot, sore and sad

Complains and laments himself

Draws too much killings everyday

Not happy.

Not happy this way...

Not happy this way

Drawing too much gore and deaths...

The last artwork I did with this former identity...

Pierrot, you fought hard, you ugly beautiful mess. Rest now—I've got this.

Tomorrow's my first full week as a senior copywriter, a man standing tall, no shame left to hide. The stage is mine, and I'm stepping out, unmasked and unafraid. No more blood-soaked pages; the fire's mine now, clean and hungry.

The flame steadies. Farewells like this... they free without forgetting.

El Jaquio